As a twenty-something young professional who is not so new to the Los Angeles dating scene, I have encountered my fair share of duds, nerds, players, pretty boys (you can’t be prettier than me, and I’m definitely a PYT), control freaks, weirdos and a sprinkle of really nice guys. Without fail, the men to whom I am fundamentally unattracted are those who regularly send me flowers, offer to run my errands, leave me sweet notes, call me constantly, and practically want to bring me home to momma despite my refusal to reciprocate. And, the guys I open myself up to without feigning disinterest for several weeks (or even months) get way too comfortable way too soon. They stop wanting to walk me to my car after a visit, are slow to commit to exclusivity, and wouldn’t consider bringing me chocolates or sending flowers unless it were Valentine’s Day. But, as soon as I move on, I can’t get them to leave me alone. Therefore, I am left with this question: Why must we women play the hard-to-get game for men to understand our value (think Steve Harvey’s 90-Day Rule) and keep in line? Is it some fundamental neolithic, hunter instinct that values the long sought after 8-pronged deer over the easily found field rabbit?

You probably say it a lot, I know I do. ..”It’s the little things.”  I say it at least once a week at work when someone goes out of

their way to make my life easier, I think it as soon I as I sit down at a restaurant and right before I leave the tip, and I expect it when I am in a romantic relationship.

This past weekend I took a mini-ski vacation with a couple of friends. The first night there we partied pretty hard.  One of the girls had a little too much of…well, everything and when we returned home after the evening of dancing she headed straight for the restroom. She was in there for about 30 minutes, silent, praying to the porcelain god. Soon after, one of our guy friends got concerned, so he went in to check on her.  He knew she wanted to be sick (but couldn’t) so he forced it for her. Yes, he forced it for her…with two of his fingers…down her throat.

Obviously I didn’t get these details until the next day, and I’m sure most of you reading this find the whole things disgusting (I do too) but for her, it was one of those ’little things.’

Ladies, men, what are some of the little things that go a long way for you?

Some of mine –

• When he sends me an early morning text
• When he offers a backrub
• When he holds my purse
• When he shops with me
• When he drives so I can drink
• When he joins me on a long run

I have a new man, and he is very traditional. My last boyfriend was not particularly traditional; he was more open-minded and was not a slave to so-called gender roles. While that meant he made me go half on vacations, which I argued against every time, it also meant he did not say ridiculous things like “obey” and “orders” and “submission.” I think he knew that would not go over well with me. This new man is a bit more bold. He uses those words ever so often, and I laugh and say “Was that fun for you? Are you done now? Are you ready for a real conversation between adults?” He claims that his traditional ways are rooted in the Bible, but that’s how people justified slavery, justify homophobia, and it’s how anti-Obama people are trying to “pray” him out of office with Psalm 109:8. So excuse me if I do not obey because he says so. However, I do respect my man very much. I respect his hustle, intelligence, swag, strong family history and values, and most importantly, his opinion. Our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other, and I especially appreciate his viewpoint. I admit that sometimes he shows better judgment than I do. But at the end of the day, I make my own decisions, especially because he is a boyfriend, not a husband, and I have been making my own decisions for many years now.

A few weeks ago, he asked me to not visit a particular city for a party weekend because he was planning on going to the same city and making it a boy’s weekend (he has many of these). I informed him that I was going even though he wanted me to stay home, as I was hanging with my own friends. He became upset, got a lot of air in his chest (probably because his brother was listening), and said “You need to not go. I have a problem with you not respecting my wishes. This may be a deal-breaker. I hope you find a man that tolerates this.” After I got over the threat part of the statement, I said “I respect your opinion, but I disagree with you, and I am going. Disagreement is not disrespect.” After this conversation, I became very concerned. If he thinks I am going to do everything he says, he is going to be very disappointed. Am I crazy? Is disagreement the same as disrespect? Why can I not respectfully disagree with his preference and make my own decision? Sounds to me what he was equating disobedience with disrespect, which seems to be an underhanded control mechanism. Because women know that men want and need to be respected, men are hanging as many things on that hook as possible because they know we do not want to run afoul of respecting them. Is this what traditional men expect? Are they using the word “respect” synonymously with “obey” as a way to control women?

So these are the first of the questions…

I was channel surfing this weekend and in between college football and some NBA games…there he was: Mr. Big pursuing Carrie for the umpteenth time. Yes, ladies…guys do watch Sex and the City (as to why…that’s for another day / another time). But as I sat there watching, Mr. Big (who was married in this episode) resurrect himself into Carrie’s life (she was dating a new boyfriend), the question immediately popped into my mind: when it’s over…is it really over? I mean casting aside the fact that Mr. Big was married (I’m not one for infidelity nor cheating on any person) here was a man who still clearly had deep feelings and true love for a woman who for all intensive purposes had seemingly moved on. I mean Carrie had a new boyfriend and even took all measures in front of Mr. Big to profess it was over…finito…no mas but yet it clearly wasn’t. Yet and still, the more Mr. Big pursued the more he seemed to break down that barrier or wall that Carrie had erected. Maybe there was no wall to begin with and Carrie just couldn’t put up with a man who didn’t know what he wanted and so she moved on. Or maybe it was Mr. Big who after being apart from Carrie he realized what he couldn’t when he was with her: that he simply could not live without this woman. Well, as I sat watching, while I had a feeling I knew what would happen…I was still in disbelief it played out so well. Despite professing she was done and that he, Mr. Big, was crazy, Carrie listened to Mr. Big’s voice on her answering machine for like 5 times trying to discern was he still interested, why was he still calling me, what does he want? Perhaps she was just posturing for what she knew all along…that she was going to return his phone call because she had to. Maybe it was the unknown or her curiosity of wanting to know what was up with this man, but as all expected despite the sage advice of her girls she called him back and even met with him. They not only met at the hotel lobby, but Mr. Big followed her up to her room and after she tried to push him away the next thing you know they were kissing and then lying on the bed together…probably thinking their fate was inevitable. While this seemed so surreal and I was like come on you have to be kidding me, the more I started to ponder…when is it really over? Surely when the person you have been longing for or seemingly let get away walks down that aisle…that would be one indication. But absent such a wedding is it really ever over? I mean even in the Sex and the City movie, Mr. Big left Carrie stranded at the altar and he was able to win her back albeit it took time and effort. The point though is that in the end…he fought for her and I guess there was a part of her that still deep down loved this man. So was this just Hollywood or is it just that….it’s never really over?

After watching Rihanna finally tell her side of the story. It amazed me how people voiced their concerns over what she said. Some people mainly women expressed that she wasn’t being completely honest. That maybe she provoked Chris Brown that night into biting, choking and punching her repeatedly. Is it possible to provoke a man to react the way Chris Brown did that night? Have we forgotten the police report as well as the horrific photos. As if that matters what Rihanna did that night. Does it?