This Valentine’s Day, more of us than ever will be looking for love online. And if recent studies are any guide, relatively few women on mainstream dating sites will bother to respond to overtures from men of Asian descent. Likewise, black women will be disproportionately snubbed by men of all races. Yes, even though America has been flirting intensely with a postracial label for some time, color blindness is not upheld as an ideal in the realm of online romance. On some sites, it’s not even an option.

(See the 25 most important films on race.)

Chemistry.com requires users to identify their ethnicity; like eHarmony, it considers members’ racial preferences when suggesting matches. Match.com lets users filter their searches by race. The site’s profiles include space to indicate interest (or lack thereof) in various racial and ethnic groups. But after Jennifer House, a black woman in Los Angeles, perused one too many profiles only to find the guys had checked off every box except African American, she changed her strategy. “Now I look at that section first so as not to get my hopes up,” she says.

Racial preferences — or, as some call them, biases — are easier to observe on these sites than in offline settings. Behind computer screens and cutely coded user names, people clearly communicate things about race that few would ever say aloud in a bar.

For example, a study published last year in Social Science Research examined 1,558 profiles that white daters living in or near big U.S. cities placed on Yahoo! Personals, which, much like Match, lists 10 racial and ethnic groups users can select as preferred dates. Among the women, 73% stated a preference. Of these, 64% selected whites only, while fewer than 10% included East Indians, Middle Easterners, Asians or blacks.(See a nerdy Valentine’s Day guide on Techland.com.)

The story is a little different for the men, 59% of whom stated a racial preference. Of these, nearly half selected Asians, but fewer than 7% did for black women. Why? One theory offered by the study’s lead author, Cynthia Feliciano, a sociologist at the University of California at Irvine, is that men’s choices are influenced by the media’s portrayal of Asian women as being hypersexual and black women as being bossy.

The people running OkCupid.com have a less nuanced explanation. In October, the free dating site, 80% of whose members choose to input their race, studied the messaging patterns of more than a million users and concluded on its official blog that “racism is alive and well.”(See the 50 best websites of 2009.)

After attempting to control for attractiveness (using something OkCupid calls a picture-rating utility) and compatibility (on the basis of answers to questions covering everything from spirituality to dental hygiene), the study found that black women garnered the fewest responses of any female group. White women responded at much higher rates to white men than to men of color. Asian women’s and Latinas’ response rates showed even stronger preferences for white men. (The site’s latest eye-opening study determined which types of profile pictures elicit the most responses. To all the single ladies: the older you are, the more cleavage you should show.)

But do racial preferences amount to racism? Or is overlooking an entire ethnicity as innocuous as filtering out redheads or people under a certain height? “Just because you take race into consideration in your dating preferences and are aware of race doesn’t make you racist,” says Dr. Nicole Coleman, a psychology professor at the University of Houston. Minorities who prefer to date within their own race or ethnicity — and who look for potential mates on niche sites like BlackPeopleMeet.com and Amor.com — would probably agree with her.

Even for those who hate the idea of racial preferences, such stipulations can be a useful barometer for finding a person with shared values. Says Bostonian Karen Schoneman: “I tend to have a negative reaction toward a man who indicates race preferences, whether it excludes me as a white woman or not.” When she sees evidence online of what she regards as narrow-mindedness, she skips right to the next profile. One click closer, maybe, to postracial eHarmony.

Happy V-Day

1. Breakfast in Bed – Hey, breakfast is the important meal of the day and I’m sure every woman could appreciate being surprised with breakfast. And if she’s hungry and you’re lucky well…..
2. A Picnic – Yes a carefully but thoughtful planned picnic can surely turn wonders. For those in more artic weather conditions have no fear. You can opt to stay inside and turn your living room into the perfect getaway. To quote Jason’s Lyric… “There is something magical about a picnic.”
3. A Personalized Poem or Song – Now use discretion here because while the effort can be great if you don’t sound anywhere near Trey Songz you may not want to go this route. V-day is not the time to be experimenting or trying to warm up those shower vocal chords.
4. Candlelit Dinner for Two – Candles and food always make for a great combination. While this is the old faithful, there is still nothing wrong with a romantic dinner at a restaurant (especially if it is her favorite cuisine). And if you’re ambitious and have skills in the kitchen why not opt to stay in and prepare that special meal. After all, sometimes staying inside has its benefits.
5. A Getaway to a Special Location – For the thrill seekers this is the ultimate V-day present. Why not whisk your baby away to a special location where they’ll need GPS to find her.

Well these are just a few suggestions….for you Don JuanDeMarcos out there hit us back with your ideas / suggestions for V-day. Any ladies if you have ideas for the guys…let us know too (we love to hear from you).

Happy Valentines’ Day Ladies

“Up until right now, my uterus has been all but forgotten like a ghost limb, mentally amputated long ago because it got in the way of more important business. Like being awesome and putting together particle-board crap from IKEA. Or perhaps it’s simply grown limp from too little attention, locked away from the rest of Helena in the physiological equivalent of a dungeon—or purgatory. Official organs like my brain and, occasionally, my heart get full voting rights when it comes to personal legislation like, “Is this man really worth the trouble?” My uterus, however, is the District of Columbia of wombs, getting taxed out the wazoo with repeated inquests from my mother without the proper representation to defend itself. My anatomy, then, is a sort of aristocracy.”

I also find myself distracted by life and career, while simultaneously taking note that an increasing number of my facebook friends’ profile pictures are of (their) infants and toddlers. At what age, if maternal instincts haven’t kicked in or the stars haven’t aligned for a woman to have a child, should she apologize to her uterus and keep on moving?

friendly stalking

At the end of the day, what have you really achieved? Facebook has left you with even more questions about a person than you had to begin with!

All the while you are having to remember and pretend to be surprised when information is actually revealed to you by the person, since there would be no logical explanation for your knowing certain things other than the fact that you have turned into this obsessive-compulsive facebook stalker.

What ever happened to getting to know someone the old-fashioned way through conversations and dating? Why do we feel the need to dissect every morsel of cyberspace information about someone? Granted, I figured out that my ex had been cheating on me based on my own facebook investigations. So, is it naive to think that a little light facebook stalking isn’t warranted from time to time?

At any rate, there is no disputing that facebook has changed the realm and dynamics of dating and relationships. But, is it a healthy, much needed change or the demise of the natural order of dating progression?

No luck. The experiment is over, she’s still single (no boyfriend, no prospects, no stalker, no friend with benefits — nothing!), and she’s taking a year off from dating.  

52 weeks. Nothing to show for it. What happened?!  

I perused 52weeks2findhim.com. Neenah is reasonably attractive, smart, and actually has a delightful, warm, and open personality. Not to mention, she came up with this genius idea that got her tons of attention and actually followed through with it. She’s pretty fun. I’d be friends with her. Her weave/wig is unflattering and distracting at times, but I don’t think we can blame the failure on that. This woman should be dating SOMEONE if she wants to be.  

My analysis: Men can smell desperation a mile a way. And deciding that you will go to any lengths to meet the man you’ll marry in a 12 month period looks desperate by any measure.    I bet she meets someone during her year off.

Will you marry me?

Well considering all this…this has me thinking: are marriage proposals dead these days? The following article on the frisky.com truly hit on this….
Are marriage proposals dead?
By Wendy Atterberry
(The Frisky) — On the season finale of “Entourage,” one of the characters, Eric, proposes to his girlfriend, Sloan, only it wasn’t a romantic get-down-on-one-knee proposal, so much as it was a seemingly spur-of-the-moment declaration of his commitment to her.
“You’re never going to be able to commit — not to anyone,” Sloan accuses during a heated argument. “I’ll get in that car right now, drive to Vegas, and commit to you for the rest of my life,” Eric shoots back before pulling an engagement ring out of his pocket.
It’s not exactly the kind of grand proposal women dream of, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s more than most of us get these days … and if maybe that’s OK.
Marriage is such a huge, life-altering decision, it’s only natural that it be a choice two people make together, after much discussion and personal soul-searching. And if the decision is made mutually, is there really any need for a proposal to be made — a question to be asked — for which both parties already know the answer?
For a lot of people, the answer is “no.” They make the decision, perhaps they go ring-shopping together (that way, the woman’s sure to get something she likes), they make the announcement to their friends and family, and then they change their relationship status on Facebook. Done and done.
For the rest of us, an official proposal — even if we’ve already decided with our partners to get hitched — is the act that seals the deal. For the record, I fall into this camp.
My now-husband and I first started seriously talking marriage a little over a year ago. We’d been together 2 ½ years, had lived together almost a year, felt committed to each other, and knew we wanted to start a family in the not-so-distant future. At some point, I think I made some comment about getting married in the summer when my parents, who live in Europe, would be in the States.
My boyfriend nodded and said that that sounded fine and I said, “This coming summer,” making sure to drive home the point. “But I want a proposal!” I told him, adding: “And I want it to be romantic. You don’t get off the hook that easily.” He laughed and said he’d do what he could.
When I was home for Christmas a few weeks later, my mother gave me the engagement ring she inherited from my great-grandmother who got married in 1928. I brought it home after the holidays, gave it to my boyfriend and said, “Here’s my engagement ring. I wear a size 5. Get it sized and give it back to me when you’re ready.”
In retrospect it sounds a little bossy, but remember, we’d already decided to get married, we both knew I wanted to wear my great-grandmother’s engagement ring, and I figured Drew, being the romantic guy that he is, would want a chance at taking some ownership in the process.
For my part, I’m not a traditionalist, but there was something about forgoing an official proposal that seemed incomplete to me. I never doubted my boyfriend’s love and commitment to me, nor his desire to be my husband, but knowing he had to put some thought into the “where, when and how” of asking for my hand in marriage made things more special for me.
Drew ended up proposing on a bridge in Central Park, a week after I gave him my great-grandmother’s ring. He lured me on a walk one cold February afternoon with a promise of a drink at my favorite fancy hotel bar afterward. As we crossed the bridge, Drew said, “Oh, what’s that?” as he pointed to the ground below. I peered over the edge and saw “Wendy, Will you marry me?” written in big sidewalk chalk.
I turned back around and Drew was on his knee, holding my ring. Time stood still (Drew would say it stood still for a very long time) and I said, “Yes! Yes!” We hugged and kissed and then went for that now-celebratory drink at the fancy hotel bar (Drew even surprised me with a room there for the night). It’s a memory I’ll always cherish and one I’m sure we’ll share with our kids and grandkids some day.
Would I feel any less married now if Drew hadn’t proposed? Of course not. But it was something that was important and meaningful to us. For others, I imagine, a proposal is an unnecessary formality that’s easy to forgo. What camp do you fall into? Is an official proposal something you feel you need? Do you want your man to ask for your father’s permission or blessing? Does he have to get down on one knee?

Let us know what you think…?

text only please

So while we’ve come a long way (no need for pen & paper), the question nowadays, though, is do you text or call? And let’s not even mention instant messenger or bbm for those of us who have blackberries… For most guys, traditional calling is a thing of the past. It’s like dial-up…been there, done that, but thank God we have high-speed baby! I’m talking about simple, quick, and efficient texting.

Let’s be honest it so beats calling on many fronts. I mean it’s not only faster but you can say what needs to be said and leave it at that. No need for the “how was your day” or “what do you think about that” conversations. In the fast-paced catch me if you can world we live in…who has time for those? It’s like come on…are you seriously trying to hold a conversation with me via the phone. You can’t be serious…my ears are starting to hurt. Besides we have to leave some topics for in-person. There’s nothing like that simple quick text…”trying to grab drinks or meet up?” It took only seven words to accomplish what would have taken perhaps thirty minutes had it been a phone call. And guess what…if she says “No”…you’re on to the next one without having expended any mental energy. And how many of us were really listening during those calls anyway…LOL. Okay I’m just being silly but seriously it’s like the advantage of texting over calling is a no-brainer. Yes, texting like all things can be abused (drunk texting, sending out the same text to different people, etc.) but by and large it has to be the best invention since sliced bread. So here’s my vote to texting….anything short would be so uncivilized. Now if you excuse me…I have to get back to texting.

We want more pre-nup...yeah

Unless you’ve been sleeping under a rock these past few days, I’m sure you’ve heard that Elin Woods is renegotiating the pre-nup with Tiger to get an immediate $5 mm payout from her husband and as much as $55 mm more to stay with him for two years. To be sure…this is a lot of loot. While Tiger was obviously wrong for stepping out on his wife, is Elin just as wrong for demanding more cash to stay with Tiger. What ever happened till death do us part? Yes, infidelity should not be tolerated and is a sin but where does it come in that one should be paid extra dollars just to stick by your man’s side. I have to admit that I think there’s a split here along gender lines. My female friends were like “get him girl”…that’s right get that paper, while my boyz were like you have to be kidding. The fellas just thought it was absurd that his wife would be asking for more money just to stay put, sign a non-disclosure agreement, and stick by Tiger’s side. Yes, they say Tiger was wrong, but come on…$55 mm—Elin is trippin’! Some even went as far to say that Tiger would be better off divorcing her—it would be cheaper barring any fallout from his public image. Some even quipped what’s the point of marriage these days? I’m wondering…what exactly is the $55 mm for? Ladies, if Tiger pays this money…does it make it permissible for him to continue to step out on his wife? Or is the $55 mm just payment for any humiliation and emotional pain that Elin may have suffered? Like some form of restitution. I mean if we hear reports that Tiger is wildin’ out in Vegas or South Beach for that matter with different women, are we going to say well he did pay $55 mm so what’s the big deal? Or in reality isn’t Elin just being a little too greedy here in forcing Tiger’s hands when he presumably needs her to be the loving, supportive, and caring bride he married a few years ago. After all, this appears to be pretty unprecedented…while some women do opt for the divorce after infidelity…others stand by those vows and say I’m sticking by my man. Now, however, it seems Elin may have flipped the script and raised the bar…it’s pay to play Tiger. (Hmm: I wonder if Tiger still plans on making use of his driver?)

Which begs my original question…isn’t Elin wrong for re-upping on the pre-nup?