Elite Noir founders say, "We could not find a place that spoke exclusively to us."

A recent issue of Essence included a blurb about EliteNoir.com, which calls itself “an exclusive dating and social networking community dedicated solely to African American professionals seeking love, romance, and friendship with those of similar personal and professional status.”

Approval of potential daters is contingent upon educational attainment, and applicants must include a professional, black and white headshot “to ensure continuity of the site.”  Ah, of course.  Continuity.  Either that or to ensure the weeding out of people who can’t get their stuff together enough to have a professional shot taken.

I sent the link to a friend (a Spelman and Harvard educated attorney, globetrotter, fashionista, and Match.com member), who replied by g-chat after a brief investigation: “This site is killing me softly.  It is so faux bourgeois.”

I had to agree.  Elite Noir brought to mind a pet peeve of mine: Those club e-flyers that fill my inbox starting on Wednesday every week, proclaiming so insistently that the events they advertise are upscale and exclusive, for elite, successful professionals, that they actually begin to appear to be the opposite.

Then again, I don’t go to dive bars – I  attend those “upscale” events right after rolling my eyes at their flowery, excessive advertisements. . . and I’m sure not signing up for blacksingles.com.

In fact, if I’d had the requisite headshot on file, I might have created a profile on Elite Noir, just to see who was out there.  I admit it.  Something about the site, with its black and white design, attractive founders, and well-written prose (and yes, it’s exclusivity) appealed to me.

So, I’m a bit conflicted here.  Blatant elitism in black dating services: over-the top snobbery, or a response to a real need?

“No woman,” the most outspoken one proclaimed “has ever gained or lost a man because of her eyelashes.”

“That is such a waste of money,” another added, shaking his head.

Since I’m single and theoretically looking, I could have just filed away the input.  Instead, I argued.  Perhaps no woman has ever gained or lost a man explicitly because of her lush eyelashes or lack thereof, but don’t eyelashes contribute to prettiness?  (That’s the whole point of the mascara industry, right?)  And isn’t attractiveness somewhere around, oh, I don’t know.  .  .Number One on the list of things men care about?

The jury is still out on Latisse.  But here’s my theory about what does and does not matter when it comes to our physical attractiveness to the opposite sex:

Worth the energy and investment

1. Face (clear skin, good makeup)

2. Hair (healthy, flattering style)

3. Body (in shape, and in flattering clothing)

Total waste of time and money if 1-3 above aren’t taken care of

1. Purses (no matter how expensive)

2. Shoes (no matter how hot)

3. Jewelry (mo matter how blingy)

Am I on to something, or am I just being defensive about the fact that so many of my purses are from H&M?

Women, where do you spend your beauty bucks?  Men, what really matters?

I recently finished a book that encourages women to disengage from the Gender War. The author refers to the Gender War as the words and actions women and men engage in that unnecessarily drive a wedge between us. I think the Gender War is particularly strong among some of us in Black America, and it’s time for us to name this and put a stop to it.

I didn’t even realize that I had enlisted myself in this war, but when I stopped to think about it, I realized that I was not only fighting in the war—I was bordering on becoming a bona fide Officer.

My Role in Gender Warfare:

·       Referring to men using broad negative generalizations. I love reading self-help and dating books, and often find myself spouting theories about why men do this or that rather than treating men as the individuals that they are. Yes, there are some things that all men have in common (like not enjoying long talks on the phone) but there is no need to evangelize the world with sweeping negative generalizations regarding men. Think: How many times have you or one of your girlfriends said something like, “All men are dogs”? How do we expect to attract good men into our lives harboring thoughts such as these. Yes, some men really are dogs—but they are easy to spot. There’s no need to broadcast a message to the Universe to bring them your way.

·       Not inviting men to any social events I plan. I love a good girls’ night, and think it’s important to have time to bond with women, but it’s not necessary to exclude men from every single social event I plan. Having some time to just chill with my guy friends and classmates might help break down the barriers between us. At a mixed-gender dinner party, we can get to know one another and enjoy each others’ company without it necessarily being an undercover speed-dating event or an all-night debate. I think many of us (myself included) have lost the fine art of just enjoying one another’s company.

·       Being angry at Black men who don’t date Black women. I don’t have a problem with interracial relationships. My boyfriend is Mexican. (Oh, I just sounded like those bigots with “Black friends.”). Anyway, what I have traditionally gotten angry about is Black men who make a habit of not dating Black women. I felt like they were the reason that so many fabulous Black women are single. Obviously, this isn’t true, and we can’t make Black men solely responsible for the marriage fate of Black women. However, I really am going to have to just get over it. Rather than focusing on the Black men that seem to want anything that isn’t Black, I should leave them to live their lives (they certainly aren’t thinking about me and what I’m doing), and focus on my own happiness.

·       Being angry at Down-Low Brothers. I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with men on the DL, and I then turned those past hurts into a vocal hypersensitivity about all Black men’s sexual status. This is still a very hostile world for LGBT people, and there is no need to engage in an Outing War alongside a Gender War. If I suspect a guy is secretly gay, so be it. There is no need to speculate out loud with other people. I can just file it away in my mind in the case that he tries to date me or a close friend.

I don’t mean to imply that all Black people are enrolled in this so-called Gender War. Many Black women and Black men—whether married to Black people or not—have overwhelmingly loving and positive feelings toward their brothers and sisters. I just think it’s very important for us to all take a step back and draw a line between the things that individuals have done to us and whether that really implies anything reliable about all Black women or Black men.

Read more of my dating advice at Kaneisha’s CrazyGirl Nation.

Thanksgiving can be great as a couple. . .IF you're ready.

It’s the middle of October, there’s a chill in the air, and the fiscally responsible are starting to scope out plane tickets to go home for Thanksgiving before prices skyrocket. Meanwhile, the bunned up among us are wondering whether we should bring that special someone along for the ride, the turkey, and the intimate moments with family.   If your relationship is new, here are five reasons not to:

 1.  If there is any question in your mind that you will still be together in one month and eleven days.  

Maybe means no.  Do what you need to do to make sure (“where is this going?” conversation, a quick cell phone check, whatever), but make sure that you won’t be sharing pumpkin pie with some guy or girl you used to date. .. for three months . . . a month ago and are “still great friends with” (yeah, right).  The holiday could end up awkward at best, and more than likely miserable. And of course (because this is just the way things work out), Former Significant Other and your mother would probably hit it off and ask you for updates about each other for the next six years.

 2.  If your family is dramatically crazier or less pleasant than you are.

  Everyone has a crazy uncle, but I have a crazy uncle who thinks WWF wrestling is real and has called the police when it gets too rough.  Some people don’t get along with their siblings, but I have a brother who spews hate in the way only someone who dabbles in the Nation of Islam and simultaneously agrees with Rush Limbaugh (and extracts the worst elements of both) could.  Frankly, I would not wish a dinner with him on my worst enemy, let alone a new boyfriend.  If you have similar characters around the table, you’d be advised to wait until Christmas. . .or maybe after your wedding to let them show their true colors.  

3.  If you don’t have non-awkward sleeping arrangements 100% figured out.

 Thanksgiving eve is not the time to be negotiating the awkward terrain of co-sleeping under your parents’ roof.  Your date should be able to walk in your front door knowing exactly in which pre-approved room he may put his bags without setting off a To Catch A Predator-like confrontation with your dad.

 4.  If he or she is a non-outgoing or non-confident vegetarian.

 You have to have a great personality to be a vegetarian in someone else’s home without coming off as rude, stuck up, or unappreciative.  If your vegetarian (or worse, vegan) date isn’t ready to be charming and self-deprecating, laugh off comments about needing some meat on her bones, and rave endlessly about the yams, don’t bring her.  Everyone will suffer and whoever prepared the food will hate her.

 5.  If you’re still in the super cute phase.

 Thanksgiving has a lot to do with being uncomfortably full and lazy.  If you’re not cool with being these things around him or her, wait ‘till Christmas to hang out.  Try a couple of hungover mornings between now and then.  You’ll get there.

Weigh in: Add your own reasons for traveling home solo. . .

Interestingly, their biggest challenge hasn’t come in the form of cultural differences, racially uncomfortable moments, or judgment from family and friends, but in the communication of attraction itself.  I keep hearing the same refrain: “It’s so hard to tell when a white guy is attracted to me.  I just can’t read them!”

These guys are chatting at parties all night, but not asking for phone numbers or even sending facebook friend requests.  When they do call, they’re making smalltalk instead of asking for dates.  When they do go on quasi-dates, they’re not making any physical moves or explicitly expressing interest.  This is a little underwhelming to women who are used to getting “Pretty smile!” and “Hey, beautiful” and “Dinner?” from approximately 45 black men per week.

As a result, I’ve observed that the Something New plan has often been pretty anticlimactic.

Everyone knows black women are waaaayy more committed to dating black men than any other group is to dating within their race.  The familiar refrain is that it’s because we love and are committed to black men and the black community, but could it really just be that we’re clueless when it comes to interpreting the more subtle ways other men express interest? Maybe someone could cash in teaching a Hitch-like course, but specifically focused on approaching black women? Or is there something else going on?

But since my LOVE (who I will marry in T-30 days!) is a big fan of diamonds, I made sure I gave her a ring with enough bling to make her happy.

I love that she’s happy. But the bling just doesn’t do anything for me.

Since we’re on the subject, I could do without the pomp and circumstance of the wedding itself. Something about splurging on a grandiose ceremony in front of hundreds of “friends” and “family” (WHY must we invite that aunt who I’ve never even met?!), only to sacrifice on things that we could actually appreciate well into the future (like a bigger home) and that our family will need in the future (education for our kids) is not my idea of a good time. It’s also not my idea of a smart time or, for that matter, a very romantic time.

Before you label me a cynical, cheap a** hole, consider this.

“On race, the folk wisdom turns out to be true. An African American family with the same income, family size, and other demographics as a white family will spend about 25 percent more of its income on jewelry, cars, personal care, and apparel. For the average black family, making about $40,000 a year, that amounts to $1,900 more a year than for a comparable white family.”

Add to that that 50% of marriages end in divorce, and one of the two major issues couples fight over is money. I’d rather spend  our money on the things needed to have a long and happy life together than on jewlery, cars, and consumer addiction  in all its other forms.

So, I understand that a ring is meant to symbolize love, and I’ve accepted the fact that no expense will be spared on my upcoming wedding. But I think we – and many other black couples – would do well in the future not to confuse material possessions with emotional wealth

My motto going forward: More Love, Less Bling.