I recently finished a book that encourages women to disengage from the Gender War. The author refers to the Gender War as the words and actions women and men engage in that unnecessarily drive a wedge between us. I think the Gender War is particularly strong among some of us in Black America, and it’s time for us to name this and put a stop to it.

I didn’t even realize that I had enlisted myself in this war, but when I stopped to think about it, I realized that I was not only fighting in the war—I was bordering on becoming a bona fide Officer.

My Role in Gender Warfare:

·       Referring to men using broad negative generalizations. I love reading self-help and dating books, and often find myself spouting theories about why men do this or that rather than treating men as the individuals that they are. Yes, there are some things that all men have in common (like not enjoying long talks on the phone) but there is no need to evangelize the world with sweeping negative generalizations regarding men. Think: How many times have you or one of your girlfriends said something like, “All men are dogs”? How do we expect to attract good men into our lives harboring thoughts such as these. Yes, some men really are dogs—but they are easy to spot. There’s no need to broadcast a message to the Universe to bring them your way.

·       Not inviting men to any social events I plan. I love a good girls’ night, and think it’s important to have time to bond with women, but it’s not necessary to exclude men from every single social event I plan. Having some time to just chill with my guy friends and classmates might help break down the barriers between us. At a mixed-gender dinner party, we can get to know one another and enjoy each others’ company without it necessarily being an undercover speed-dating event or an all-night debate. I think many of us (myself included) have lost the fine art of just enjoying one another’s company.

·       Being angry at Black men who don’t date Black women. I don’t have a problem with interracial relationships. My boyfriend is Mexican. (Oh, I just sounded like those bigots with “Black friends.”). Anyway, what I have traditionally gotten angry about is Black men who make a habit of not dating Black women. I felt like they were the reason that so many fabulous Black women are single. Obviously, this isn’t true, and we can’t make Black men solely responsible for the marriage fate of Black women. However, I really am going to have to just get over it. Rather than focusing on the Black men that seem to want anything that isn’t Black, I should leave them to live their lives (they certainly aren’t thinking about me and what I’m doing), and focus on my own happiness.

·       Being angry at Down-Low Brothers. I’ve had my fair share of run-ins with men on the DL, and I then turned those past hurts into a vocal hypersensitivity about all Black men’s sexual status. This is still a very hostile world for LGBT people, and there is no need to engage in an Outing War alongside a Gender War. If I suspect a guy is secretly gay, so be it. There is no need to speculate out loud with other people. I can just file it away in my mind in the case that he tries to date me or a close friend.

I don’t mean to imply that all Black people are enrolled in this so-called Gender War. Many Black women and Black men—whether married to Black people or not—have overwhelmingly loving and positive feelings toward their brothers and sisters. I just think it’s very important for us to all take a step back and draw a line between the things that individuals have done to us and whether that really implies anything reliable about all Black women or Black men.

Read more of my dating advice at Kaneisha’s CrazyGirl Nation.