Lately, one of my boys has been spending time with a woman, although they are not boyfriend or girlfriend. He definitely enjoys hanging out with her and they do things like go to the movies, grab casual bites, and watch TV (typical things that couples do). But, by all accounts his actions and words suggest exactly what he has told her– that he is not looking for anything serious. Instead of steak at Smith & Wollensky they opt for Papa John’s special. He can tell, though, that as they have spent more time her feelings have grown more intense for him. At Lenox Mall in Atlanta when they walk past Babies R Us he sees the glimmer in her eye. As they past Tiffany’s her wandering eye and preoccupied stare suggests to him that “At Last” is the song if any that is blaring between her ears. He’s struggling because the more he spends time with her the more he worries about leading her on despite being upfront in the beginning and throughout. I’ve told him he’s done nothing wrong because he’s always been honest. But is he at fault for not voluntarily disclosing that she’s ONE but not The ONE…..when he clearly knows this is the case?
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#1 by Gabby on September 28, 2009 - 3:24 am
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I think maybe he should subtly say something to the effect of “I am looking forward to meeting my future wife soon” the next time they hang out. She will def get the hit at that point.
#2 by Diva X on September 28, 2009 - 9:07 am
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Wow Gabby, that was cold! I don’t think he HAS to tell her she’s not the one, but if he truly does like her it’s probably worth it for him to tell her in plain english, “You’re not it.” That way, she can make the choice as to whether or not it is worth her time to continue to be around him. If he waits too long, and her feelings get stronger, things could get much more dramatic. Nobody wants that, right?
#3 by Tod on September 28, 2009 - 9:51 am
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We’re all adults. Unless your boy is her dad, he has no responsibility to guard her emotional well-being if she can’t do it herself.
#4 by JD on September 28, 2009 - 9:55 am
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“I’ve told him he’s done nothing wrong because he’s always been honest. But is he at fault for not voluntarily disclosing that she’s ONE but not The ONE…..when he clearly knows this is the case?”
The issue here isn’t whether he’s “at fault” — it’s whether he wants to actually be a good person or whether he wants to continue in a relationship where he knows the young lady is going to get hurt. Dating is not a war or a competition. This whole idea of “at fault” reflects the adversarial attitude that’s behind a lot of the problems with dating in the black community IMHO. We should be looking out for each other’s well-being, not trying to do the minimum to avoid blame.
#5 by Speldva on September 28, 2009 - 12:18 pm
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You have hit the nail on the head! He has given his disclaimer, but she is clearly going on her own program. If he cares about her well being, he would leave her be. Its just selfish to continue to see her, if he knows she has caught feelings and he is not in the same place/looking to escalate the relationship.
MOST people can NOT handle these types of arrangements. Someone almost ALWAYS gets caught up.
#6 by Cornbread on September 28, 2009 - 9:57 am
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Basically, it’s a friendly sexual encounter, he enjoys tapping the ass, gettin off, blah, blah, blah…etc, but he knows she isn’t wifey material for him right now, and maybe not in the future, but his current mind state is governed by his culpability toward her ass and the crescent moon it makes in the shadow of the light and to disdain their frivolous relationship now would only demoing the erotic thrillers “HE” currently enjoys. She on the other hand believes it’s something more serious, clear lack of communication on both parts, but more by her not finding out what he really wants. She has to take her oochie off the pedestal to realize that it’s no different from any other healthy chic in ATL, however what makes her unique is her attitude, drive and persona. He basically has to do nothing, because once she questions the validity of the relationship, he can then answer her or choose to play game until he lines up the next frolicking ass in leggings for the Lenox Mall noon specials…
#7 by Alpha2003 on September 28, 2009 - 9:57 am
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They both sound immature. Who has friends with benefits over age 25? Then again, they are hanging at Lenox Mall. Maybe (hopefully) they’re high school students.
#8 by The Newlywed on September 28, 2009 - 10:24 am
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This is a situation that only time will tell how this plays out. No, I don’t think he’s at fault, but this is a common scenario among all races. Once she gets tired of their “more than friends-less than lovers” limbo status than she’ll make her move; whether its a fight for his love or an exit to stage left. Plus whose to say that she’s not already seeing other people anyway-whose to say that he is not simply just “one” as well.
#9 by Jay on September 28, 2009 - 4:40 pm
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I’ve been in this position before…on both sides of the equation.
On one hand I was dating a woman for a while, but had gotten out of a relationship that was really bad and was in no hurry to get into anything serious. I made this clear from the get go but she still wanted to kick it, hang our and do other adult things.
Needless to say, as time passed, she wanted more even though I was not in te emotional space to provide it and I found myself wanting to do the right thing, so I openly gave her a choice.
I told her that I meant no disrespect, but that I wasn’t “there” yet and if she wanted to stop hanging out, being intimate or even talking to me, I would respect her wishes and totally abide by her request. She was a little upset, but I told her that I wanted to be honest with her and respectful of her feelings.
We parted ways on good terms and we still chat from time to time. It may noy have been what she wanted to hear, but she admitted that she could not fault me for being honest with her, sensitive to her feelings and giving her a chioce rather than leading her on.
Just my thoughts
#10 by lovelylady on October 12, 2009 - 6:40 am
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i’ve been in this situation before with a man who told me that he did not want to be exclusive, but he also told me that he could see me as his wife. speaking for myself, i know that i have the habit of hearing what i want to hear. so i completely ignored the part about the lack of exclusivity, and focused on the part about one day being this man’s wife. so if this man is saying, “You’re one, but not ‘the one’,” then it is possible that the woman in this scenario is ignoring the latter part of that statement.
i believe that the responsible and considerate thing is for this man to be honest and CONSISTENT. don’t tell her that you don’t want to be together, but turn around and do all of the things that couples do; that’s just confusing and misleading. with that being said, it’s not all on him.
the woman needs to actually listen to and internalize what is being said. when i was in the similar situation, i heard what was being said but i was not truly listening. for this reason, my advice would be for the two to have an open and honest conversation about their relationship (or lack thereof).